Family Funnies: Hilarious Quotes About Life Around the House

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When we’re up to our elbows in dishes or grumbling about the crayon we just found scribbled all over the walls, we need a reminder of the lighter side of family and home life. Here are a few hilarious quotes to get your mind off the housework.

“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.” – Anonymous

There’s nothing like a bit of a surprise at the end of a quote, and this one tickles the funny bone with a bit of a shock, not about Grandad’s eventual death of old age, but about his shocking driving habits!

“It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner.” – Ben Bergor

Kids are crafty little creatures, always finding ways to get out of doing pretty much anything except leaving the house and having a good time! Once they get their hands on the best piece of machinery in the house—the car—it’s pretty much all over, so get them scrubbing the floors quick, before they learn to drive!

“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes — and six months later you have to start all over again.” – Joan Rivers

Plastic fantastic Joan Rivers has always had more of a taste for the red carpet than she has cleaning the carpet, shown here in one of her classic self-deprecatory jokes. Her long comedy career has lasted more than 50 years, so she’s cleaned the house at least 100 times…not bad, right?

“Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry

Pulitzer Prize winner Dave Barry has always had a way with words, but here’s his take on how to get yourself to sleep at night without giving yourself a nasty wake up call. In exchange, he gives you a nasty mental image to enjoy right now.

“Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.” – Anonymous

It’s amazing how the wonder of a child learning so quickly turns into having to deal with a walking, talking human that climbs into bed with you at five in the morning asking for cornflakes and cartoons.

“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” – Milton Berle

You can almost hear Milton Berle’s cheesy grin coming through in this epic, but painfully true, quote. Anyone who has had to pick up a screaming toddler from a supermarket floor will know that at least four arms are required!

“Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.” – John Wilmot

John Wilmot admits what we all realize sooner or later—we cannot plan for anything and never know what the heck we’re talking about. Hopefully you enjoyed this little collection of home-oriented giggles, but that’s enough of a break for you. Those bathroom tiles aren’t going to scrub themselves, are they?

This is a “sponsored post.” The company who sponsored it compensated me via a cash payment, gift, or something else of value to write it. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will be good for my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Written byAprile Mazey
The Steady Hand

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